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Now you are somebody that YOU used to know

Sunday.

I was on my way to Sunday service. It’s been 3 Sundays when I decided to get back and dedicate my one weekend afternoon to the Big Guy up there and feed my soul and spiritual connection.

When I stepped out of the house, the mist turned into a mild rain and on my way, We passed by the road that I used to take every single day for work in 5 years. It’s been a while and I only get to pass by it now when attending the service.

This time it feels so different. The sky was already dark at around 4:30 p.m. , the road is wet, the houses are uninviting. Sundays, supposedly are for family day, but most of the houses are shut down and the lights are turned off, “Nobody’s Home” has written all over it. The only lights that can be seen on the tip of the bridge are the street lights with colors and designs from the recent Christmas season. As we move along, I can now see the bright lights from the building a far. Finally, A familiar sight. “I am close”

The half an hour drive made its way to my inner nostalgic self. I thought, my life goes on and it has gone on last year and here I am living a brand new year for a new chapter, trying to live and be alive. So much has happened, but the road that I am taking remains the same. It was, is and will still be the same road that I will take but as the day, months and years goes, A part of me has changed. The person that I was then was never the same person now. The people and the life that I had years ago did not stay as it was before. My life goes on. I wish it did not, but it did.

My past self who wondered what will happen years from now, wishes that she gets to be nothing but the same and time did not move forward because she knew she was the happiest back then.
But a force took me back to my psyche and had a realization that all that I am then was and never is. The faith and assurance that I have given myself made me realized that this year should only be a start for a brand new beginning, sticking to the same plan that I have days ago.

My part in this life, I get to be my own demon and angel. I know that this time I have no plans of throwing myself in on another downward spiral, not anymore. This year, I decided to intervene. Intervene not over a retail therapy, not with somebody, but with myself.

fist-pump

Whenever  I’m feeling down and starting to doubt myself and hold a hate in my life, I pray. I am trying to recollect the good and happiness inside me. The best part about this story? I won.

I get my phone and remind myself about one thing. I survived. Always.

I know I am a survivor, but man, last year has been pretty tough on me, a mean year, I must say, but every once in a while one must be reminded of how some things are made for learning and experiences.

Goodbye Lullabies 🌷

This year, I was deeply shaken by another loss.

The passing of my Lola Charing cuts deep in my soul and left me with nothing but grief. She is the most selfless, loving, caring  and the one who never gets tired to spoil her grandchildren. She and Lolo took care of me and my siblings when we were younger. They are the best.

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Heaven must be celebrating up there and can no longer wait to have you both. I love you so much and I am missing you everyday Mama and Lola.

 

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Glad that I never missed on planting my kiss on your cheeks! Seeing this picture, I am in tears.

 

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Maraming Salamat sa pagaalaga at pagmamahal Lola. Napaka buti mo at alam ko na masaya at makakapag pahinga ka na.

 

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I love you.

It did not help that last year. We also bid goodbye to my cousin, Kuya Randy who, fought Brain Aneurysm for days. He is one of my closest cousins.

I have to admit that there was a time in my life that with all the dramas and bidding farewell from one family member to another. I have given up and is highly excited to accept defeat for nothing is worth fighting for and all of my loved ones are already in heaven. They are all in one place where there is no pain and sadness.

But I thought of the gift of life given to me every single day. The opportunity to live, the life that was not granted for others, the life that was taken out from my loved ones and were gone too soon. They would have lived life to the fullest, but it’s me who gets the chance to do it. By that I am #thankful and #grateful

I always check this picture to remind and inspire me to do the best for my family, loved ones and my future self.

I know that they are always guiding us from above and all the things that I wish I have done when they are still here, are my main inspiration to keep going and make them proud of the person that I can and will be. They are my life’s greatest inspiration.

Losing my Lola Charing is the 3rd biggest heartbreak that I have to get through, but as my sister always say “She is in a better place now” she died in her bed while sleeping. She is 93 years old. I also keep the last accessory that she is wearing, the Swarovski beaded bracelet that me and my ex partner gave her as a gift earlier this year. I wept when I removed it from her arm.

I told my Lola to carry all the pain that I am feeling and that I get to see the bright side after the storm in our family. I know that she did. Being the loving Lola to her bunsong Apo, one day, I woke up not hating and blaming anyone for the tragic losses in our family but feeling the urgency to focus on what I have left, my family. Our family.

Blood is thicker than water ♥

This year my family was put to the ultimate test after the passing of my Mom, 4 years ago. Prior to that, it is safe to say that we have endured the most pain and celebrated the triumph of life altogether. It was never easy, especially when each has a big personality and different point of views that surely does not want to be compromised. There was this constant fight between me and my sister, me and my brother, my brother and my sister, silly fights that lasted for months, but being our type where family must come first, we brush it off and the next thing we know, we had our karaoke marathon on a Sunday night and capping off our weekend with 2 bottles of white and red wine.

We tried to fix our silly fights as soon as we can and stick together as one, but as everything seems to be going as fine and usual, Papa decided to make everything official with his new partner. The woman had a not so good history with our family, which makes the situation 10x worst and I can remember that day when me and my sister sat down with Papa and convince him to take things slow and think things through, but as Selena Gomez used to quote “the heart wants what it wants” they lived together leaving us his children feeling abandoned.

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Out of us 3, it was my brother who took this major change the hardest. Papa was almost, kind of out of our lives for months and when we would visit Mama and celebrate events as a family, Papa was MIA. I would weep and indirectly ask for acceptance from my siblings, so we can be together as a whole again. It is not easy and I’ve been really down to see our family sink and this time the survival rate is down to 0. Little did I know that missing him on Father’s Day would take a big turn after I posted a greeting via Facebook and Instagram.

Apparently, one of my cousins who is living nearby their place, showed this post to him and he was moved and thought of fixing the situation, once and for all. My post got him good. Weeks after, we got a call saying that he’ll be back from the province and since our last talk was not the most pleasant one before they moved into our house in Catanduanes, he said that he would want to see all of us and have lunch on a Sunday afternoon.

I really don’t know what exactly happened, but I was woken up by my sister and told me that our brother and Papa cried, hugged, reconciled and they are on their way to my then apartment with tons of food for everyone. I was out of myself for the first hour since I just came from a mini reunion with my then workmates the night before and still feeling the hang over but I know that the news is one happy way to cure it.

We had ourselves a mean and heavy seafood lunch from Catanduanes and my, oh my that was a delicious lunch. We then discuss the situation and opened up about our thoughts with him having a partner and to also let him share his side of defense. I  must  say that I have nothing against them because we, on our age have our own lives and my 2 siblings, with their own family and children, Papa knew that he needed and wanted someone to dedicate her entire life taking care of him and to grow old with him. He even explained in no offense to his new girlfriend that this is his and Mama’s plan before and now that she is gone, he has the rights to look for a new one to stay with him. He gave us an assurance that no one can ever take the place of our Mother and she is the best, extraordinary woman that he have ever met, but life and death happen and so is him and his partner who is also a widow for several years.

 

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Me and Papa had a love-hate relationship when I’m growing up. We’ve seen them two at their worst and best, but what I appreciate about him is that he stayed by her side especially during her battle with Cancer

 

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Mama and Papa.

We also take the opportunity to let his girlfriend know that we only want her truest and best intention for our Father. We made sure that the message came across that she should not hurt and take advantage of him in all ways possible. She has shown understanding on our side and express that she loved him.

As long as you take care of each other, you take care of him, I am all good”

That afternoon was a roller coaster ride for everyone, but we are The Olarte’s and through ups and downs, the highest and lowest of lows it will and always be our Family on top of everything else.

We also have the latest addition to our family. Our youngest nephew, Baby Achilles ,who has a striking resemblance to Mama who is now our new bundle of joy and made everything lighter and happier around our household.

We also made a team effort to catch up with lost time as a family.

 

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Lunch time! Glad that we are all pizza and chicken lovers! ❤ It was a happy day!

 

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I love this picture! I know that you are smiling at us Mama.

 

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All is well.

 

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#familyfirst ❤

 

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Achilles’ Christening at Tramway Buffet.

 

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Our 6th angel. Look at that cutie! I love you Achiee!

 

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Kuya and Achilles ❤
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Ohana. Too bad, we missed my nephews, Rhailey Nickole and Achilles who is busy playing around and the other busy from the all guests wanting a picture for the cutie baby and of course, Mama who is up there surely smiling form ear to ear during this photo op.

I am glad that I came prepared with my phone to capture these precious moments ♥

The Break Up

 

As the old saying goes, “All break ups are bad” Not in my case.

I have never shared nor posted anything about my last break up to any of my social accounts just because I don’t feel the need to.

I dated and lived with my then partner for 2 years. I blogged about her, about us, about our story, how it all started and how I used to see “us” in the future. We were out and about on both our profiles and was never afraid to show our love and relationship to everyone, but we can only do as much saving as we can for our relationship and we were trying so hard to fix what is already broken when our last turmoil hit its rock bottom that we finally decided to call it quits. I never posted anything that gives a hint when we are going through something and much more when we go on our separate ways, but since I’ve committed to keeping this blog as raw as possible and talking about the experiences that I’ve gone through the past year, this one this leaves no exception.

We both have our point of view and more to the specific reason on why we broke up, but this is my truth and the truth is relevant to whoever believes in it.

Years before her, I was cheated on by my ex boyfriend and remembering it now, I am so embarassed on how I handled it even on social media. That’s why I decided to not be public about anything related to a break up. Whatever the intention is it has DESPERATE AND BITTER, CYNICAL EX GIRLFRIEND written and shouting all over it. It’s such a shame that you really have to learn from experience a.k.a social embarrassment. Ha-ha!

I have friends, our friends who asked me and actually, some are still asking if we are still together, but it’s been months already and this would have to be the first time that I will be open about it.

Who’s fault is it? It’s not really a question of whose fault it is but one thing that I stand firm to believe in is that arguments, feeling inaccurate, emotional distance will always be a challenge for a couple and your best effort as a team to try and fix, compromise to whatever is lacking or too much from it should resolve it, but when another individual is involved between you and your partner for numerous times then those reasons are now excused to cover up the number 1 deal breaker for any relationship. Infidelity.

Why did it end? Aside from the last word on the first question, I know that we are too destructive to one another and the more that we are trying to ignore how little we have in common the more toxic our relationship gets. Why? We both stopped from trying.

One thing that I’ve learned is that you can’t change your partner for what you think is better for their being, it should be their own will to change for what they think is worth and if they don’t see or feel the need to for the sake of the relationship then the idea of you together is not their priority, even if it is for their own self improvement, you just can’t. They should want it too.

Did you try to fix it? We did. Too many times that I even lost count. We love each other too much, we used to be madly in love that we forgot that for a relationship to move forward its not just about love, but also giving respect and being able to compromise to one another are huge factors to a successful relationship. That two we both lost and missed.

We lost respect for one another.

Do you hate her? No. Now that I have to look back and remember the timeline of our relationship. I know and felt when she have shown me her best self as a partner. She is definitely the sweetest and hands down the best in terms of taking care of me. She was the “you jump, I jump” kind of girlfriend. She has convinced me to at least try and be adventurous (cause I can be the laziest couch potato ever) and I enjoyed it, she is also the biggest supporter in everything that I am doing.

It seems like a perfect pair huh? The strange part is I can’t remember the good and best without remembering the bad and the worst that she made me feel.

What have you learned from the experience? 1. Do not be afraid to be single again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Do not compromise your own being and happiness just for the sake of your relationship. When you are no longer yourself, STOP.

During our first year, I know that we would not last. I want to go West, she prefers East. I wanted to settle. I go as far as putting up our own business, own place, have a cup of tea or coffee, reading books and binge watch movies during weekends. Oh, yes. I have graduated from weekend clubbing and drinking during my teen years and feel so irrelevant for attending in consecutive nights, but on her age, planning and building the future was overwhelming and instead of seeing it as preparing for something big in the coming years, she felt stuck and wonder if this is the right proposal for her when at her age all she wanted to do is explore and have fun.

As we move along, it is evident that we will never meet halfway. I knew that, but she was with me in almost all of the happiest and saddest moments in my life, our lives. She was the “Tita” to my nieces and nephews, She is with us during family trips and celebrations. She has been part of our family and our lives that the idea of separation got me thinking if letting go is worth it with all the memories and being familiar with my family and to start from scratch once I started dating again.

I decided to hold still even if I am hurting and being betrayed for every chance and forgiveness. She has found my weakness and used it to her advantage. I don’t want to start again because I have put too much effort to fight for this one. I have come this far with scars and  bruises, almost accepting of the idea that one day, I will change, she will change. We will go back to who and what we are when we were starting but the more I assume, the distant of what I am hoping for is already out of reach.

The more time that I am waiting. The more that I am losing myself. That’s the time when I know it’s time to let go.

I do not hate her as she have brought out the best and worst in me. Both served as an experience and learning.

To whatever circumstances may be, relationships are meant to work with both love, respect, individuality, having the same goal, expectations to one another and most of all, it is a team effort not just for one’s convenience but for both to become the best version of themselves. You are supposed to grow together and not a one way road.

I am looking forward to this year, as I am confident that I will take time to get back and give myself the luxury of time to enjoy, have fun, relax, treat, love and take care of my own self not by the expense of someone or waiting for someone to do it for me, but I’ll do it for myself. This time, self love and time is what I deserve.

What would you like to say to her?

*cue* Thanks for the memories.

After the breakup, I have never felt such relief, the happiness that I am feeling comes right through me, somewhere real. And honest to goodness, I’ve never been happier and it’s been a while. I am not sad that it happened, I’m just glad that it ended for the better, not just for me, but for the both of us.

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 Walk away or try harder

I started 2017 with the best experience that I have always dreamed and hoped for.

1. I was given the chance to fly all the way to Dublin, Ireland and undergo a crash training for the account that we launched in my new Mother site.

It was one of my recent blogs that you can also visit 🙂

2. I am now working with a team of successful and culture driven individuals that also shares the same level of craziness with me. When work does not feel like one, you know you are in a happy and healthy working place.

It was a good start, especially when your hard work, creativity and initiatives for the account are credited and implemented for the site’s success are truly the best feeling! I have never felt the same level of appreciation from the clients and workmates prior to joining this program and I am so glad that it happen when I was about to quit a year ago.

Everything was going in my favor when one day, I felt like I am working for a different campaign and the happiness, motivation soon turned into being de-motivated and emotionally drained from all the disappointments.

I felt like I am in a box and being my usual self who has a lot of things in mind to change and proposed, It seems like I am being restricted and unappreciated by the people who I thought, should be the first one to support and guide me on my field. The demon in me wanted to gang up and feed from the situation and as I was also in the process of getting out of my then relationship., loss of a loved one, I let the inner demon swim and I sink.

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In this process, I also let it affect my job. I was grumpy, sarcastic, has zero tolerance for mistakes and I was a walking bomb, about to explode to anyone over the simplest thing. I became unlikable. The worst part is it’s not just my job that I am manipulating and highly affected by my thoughtless actions, but also the people who looked up to me and I should inspire to motivate and  deliver.

Before I bid goodbye to this year, I hit rock bottom.

I used to be this meme.

 

I have allowed myself to become the person that I do not aspire, I became negative, full of drama and have nothing good to say about anything and coming in to work just became a thing. I will just do my job and go home. I care more about my pride and to just walk away and leave, but I can’t.  NOT for the reason of correcting my actions, starting over again and get back from my failure, but for the sake of getting paid and not go broke when I became unemployed.

I lost control and on top of everything that I’ve done, I was not able to set my own expectations on how to accept and handle the consequence of my actions.

When it’s time to face the reality. I refused to accept others’ opinions, but my own. For me, walking away is much better than accept defeat, but with the help of the people who I shut down but still stay in the entire process. I reconsider.

At first, I was in denial of what happened but as good and bad as it gets, this is the reality. What I’ve been doing for years and well received by my audience that I thought is unbreakable, had it’s first down moment.

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I even posted this pic from all the drama, disappointments and failures that I’ve done and felt for myself.

I went home and had argued with myself whether I had done nothing wrong and this in denial line keeps playing in my head “hell, I’ve been doing this sh*t for so long with no problems at all. It’s not me, but whoever it is that got mad issues” or accept the domino effect of my thoughtless actions and take the time off because I can’t keep up with the drama that I have started. Either way, I am running.

Until, I was sat down by the people who are required and nevertheless chose to intervene and made me realized the good and the bad, the wins and the losses and how everything is just a part of the long road to success, it’s just, mine has been a smooth one for so long when it get bumpy I have no means to control the path and failed to get back on track.

It feels as if I was revitalized and a weight was taken off my heart and the darkness in my head. I cried. I have my workmates, friends who never fail to support me, but when the opportunity came with the people that I’ve been meaning to talk to finally happen, I was shaken.

The feeling of battling alone made it worst and when I finally feel the care, 0 judgment,understanding and appreciation from the people who I thought left me in a limbo, stayed and has always stayed but was shut down by no one else but myself, I cried.

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Of course, I cried with a fresh makeup and made sure to still look like Sel while crying my heart out.

I was indenial and don’t want to accept defeat because I felt like I was alone in the battlefiekd. The moment I was proven wrong, is when I accepted the fact that

Yes, I made a mistake.
A mistake that I can still correct.
Trials that should not pre-determine how best I can and how great I will be.
Yes, I made a mistake.
Everyone does, if you are not, then you are not up for a brand new learning about yourself.
All this time, A feedback is a gift and it will always be a tool to better your future self.
Yes, I stumble, but I am ready to prove not to anyone but to myself that I am better than that. I am not a quitter and is ready to face the consequences, learn from it and to not run and hate in the world.

I cried. I smiled. The next thing I know, I am just thankful that it happened.

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This is so me. Realizing things while crying and eating a New York style pizza.

Whoa.

It’s been a roller coaster ride. A year that has a series of unfortunate events. Been the happiest, saddest. Appreciative and hateful. Loved, cheated on, Appreciated and ignored, praised, picked on, looked up to and judged.

Out of all the ups and heartbreaks that I’ve been through, here I am typing and creating this blog, giddy excited to share how I win over this so called life over the last year and 2017 isn’t that bad as I close my 27th chapter with all the fun and happy memories that made me stronger and inspire me to fucki*g carry on.

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This Kimoji is my 2017 year end spirit animal

 

I am also happy to have my new found friends, reunited with the old ones, continue to devote my self spiritually, discover more about myself, train and inspire over a 100 teamates who also became my friends, collaborate with inspiring people, being able to share and contribute to the program with my creative bone, spread more fashion with my online business, being able to appreciate and have more time to take care of myself, spent more time with my family

 

Last year had so much to offer for one person to stay sane, but its true, Big Guy up there knows more than you do the limit and power of your capability and faith.

He will not put you on a situation that will not bring out the best and worst in you. He knows that I can and I did.

I am so ready for what lies ahead this year.

To my current and future self,

You are strong. You are extraordinaire. Keep shining. You did good and you are now up to something better, enjoy and fasten your seat belt. It’s gonna be another ride.

You can do it, You can.

TheMoodyMina💋

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