Growing up, I never really thought of rushing myself to be in an actual relationship. I remember my first crush was when I was in the 5th grade, but this is my type of admiration that I only kept to myself. Then I had my first “puppy love”strike with my friend’s brother who was a senior during my 3rd year in high school. Now this is when I had to put in all my effort a
nd coins since our line was cut Ha-Ha! Just to talk to him with the help of a pay phone Ha-Ha! I feel so old!
After that, I still lived and enjoy the wonders of TV, friends and foods. No rushing at all and it was all good.
Sadly, this guy left me hanging on how he sees me or even feels towards me till I enter my 4th year, so that’s history. How does it feel to be a victim of
ano ba talaga tayo? The now identified as “friend zone” love game during that year? I got sad, of course but its no biggie for me, I guess the feeling is not that deep chos! We were still friends on Facebook though, and I happen to see his post in my news feed years ago and he is already married and has his own family now.
Enter my last year in middle school when I had my first love. He used to be a friend who can play the guitar and drums so well, listen to the same music that I love and rocks our shitty uniform by pairing a Doc Martens, I was intimidated by him then I got curious about him and since we’ve been classmates since 2nd year we were already familiar with each other. I already knew that I was crushing on him. We then became close, then stopped talking for years and on December 28, 2015, He sent me a message. Starting that day, we were talking non-stop day and night,We were inseparable. We would meet each other, mostly in the park and no one from our friends and classmates will know, then ignore each other inside the room the morning after.I asked myself if what we are doing is something that I should be happy about or not
especially with the hiding part.But since deep down I know it can put a smile on my face in no time. I ignore it and just go with it.
I chased this guy for my entire years in college, but I have to say that love is clearly not enough with our story, I loved him, but he was caught up in a different world now and its hard for him to go back to his old self. I can say that the person I fell in love with is 10 million times different with who he is now.
He – was the first one to put fresh tears in my eyes down on my cheeks.
After that, I still lived and enjoy the wonders of college friends
soon to be best friends , independence, perks of earning my own money, and most importantly the happiness of finally getting the independence of having to follow my own schedule in my own time and NO curfews and yelling father Ha-Ha! But no, my dad is too busy to even bother.
No rushing at all and from cool it turns out to be great. So yeah. It was GROOL!
Then I got myself my first ever job. I felt like I entered a whole new level of concrete jungle *cue Welcome to the Jungle – Guns n Roses* Where you should survive and get yourself a spot to be treated fairly, or be like the queen who can put orders and have people follow you every now and then. People are not afraid to explore what the human body has to offer, whether to someone single or someone who is married and has children.
I was able to land my spot in a safe place, but I admit that I did my own kind of exploring. That’s when I was awakened to the fact that I don’t want to use the word, exploring as if I am lost, confused or something but this is who I really am. I am not confused, but when I discovered the other half of my true self it doesn’t surprise me at all.
I used to date and get myself involved with boys around my work circle, But looking back, I can’t recall a certain situation or anyone who I got myself attached to the extreme. I guess, it’s really the thought of being in a relationship is the main reason why I let myself in, in the first place. I used to be so in love with the thought of being in love. That even without my own validation of the word love or commitment, I settle myself just as long that I won’t be alone while the others can be so happy while they were attached. Is it too late for me to have peer pressure? Maybe. But that one feeling of being inspired is what I missed out with all these short lived moments.
I long for the kind of relationship that I deserve and little did I know that life has a different way of reminding me that everyone should experience the two sided of love. The good and the bad, the best and the worst.
I got to experience both worlds. Be loved, Be cheated on.Be used.
I used to date this guy. I gave him everything that I can offer, the love, loyalty and the most important thing that I could have given myself, time.
I was happy but not enough for me to completely feel that I’ve found myself a keeper, far from saying I’ve found myself my future husband. He treated me like a princess and showered me with all the fancy stuff even If I’m not asking for one. But then again, all things fancy has its ugly consequence. The guy cheated on me. And what’s crazy is I used to fought for him. I defended him still even to the people around us shouting that he still loves me and is just confused with the other woman. I made believe that he’ll come back and exhaust all my effort. If not to get him back, check how he and his downgrade are doing almost on a daily basis. That didn’t help me at all.
While I am busy making sure that I’ll still get the last laugh over this ugly battle and at the same time cry every time I could because it latches still on my heart. I thought I’ve now felt what a real heart break is but I did not because in the middle of what I thought is the darkest phase of my life, there is my mother dying day by day, without us knowing. I used to think that I still have the time to take care of her, talk to her, love her once I got back on my psyche, but still in the process of destroying myself, I lost her in just a blink of an eye.
I am crying over this jerk all this time that I forgot to look at my mom in a way that life wants us to be alarmed.
I thought I just had it but when my mom passed, I have now entered the darkest downward spiral of my life. I had myself destroyed every day as I grieved, much more when I regret, every second of every day.
I lost myself at the age of 23.
Thinking of what I went through with life can make you think or assume that I turned into a bitter, cynical, complicated woman who has no chance to see the light in life, the best in love. But I fought all the temptations to blame my past and haunt me to be the worst and help myself. I started to think that my mom would have lived life to the fullest if she still has the chance, but her time here on earth is done. Heaven can’t wait to have her so HE took her. I envision myself to be privileged to still live. I always think of the chance that I have and fulfill on behalf of my Mother. Years after, I am now surviving.
Now for someone who used to be so in love with the thought of being in love. I kind of not give a damn about it anymore after everything that happened. I just go with the flow and learn to be happy not in the arms of a stranger but with friends. I started to appreciate them more than ever. Going out with them almost every day and meeting new people is what I’ve focused on. I thought that I’ll be fine, I am doing okay.That I don’t need any validation from someone to be happy but myself and my family only.
That’s what I think but I got myself in another situation that’ll turn everything around. Again.
*cue I Kissed a girl and I liked it – Katy Perry*
I’ve been wanting to make this post for the longest time now but I want to put justice as I create it. It may looked like sharing my past lovers is inappropriate but it’s a long journey that I had before I reach to this point.
Someone came along and made me reconsider everything I used to believe in.
and this someone is a SHE.
Every time someone asks us on how we met and how we became a couple, I find the feeling of excitement to relive those days. I used to tell her that I’d love to put our stories into writing and SHE will just give me that smile and *blushed* out of kilig Ha-Ha!
It all started when………
I was not in my best shape as a Trainer with my very first employer (I started working when I was 20 and spent the last 5 years of my life with the same company) So you can imagine how torn I was when deciding if I should stay or leave, but in the end my decision is solely based with a huge desire to try something new and challenge myself, and then I finally passed my resignation, But I still have to handle my last class before I took off from the company for good. Then came the class ~she was part of.
Back then I thought that I am fully decided with the whole resignation thing, but the pressure, whether or not I am doing the right thing and on top of that I am already attending interviews and demo teach after my class. The whole pressure caught me and it leads me to kind of transfer the emotional side of myself being a total bitch to their class.
I have to admit that I am the strict type to my class, but I got 10x worst when I had to deal with them
in the class.
With probably a hundred classes that I’ve handled, theirs was the only one that I never connect with. I felt bad now that I have to remember those days. But in all honesty, I may already know back then that ~she stood out from the rest, I knew that she was probably the youngest in the class,but her presence especially her smile can light up the room in no time. I never had a problem with her in a Trainer aspect and I end up calling her every now and then because I know that she can deliver.
During their class, A friend used to visit me in between our schedule and she always has something for me and my sweet tooth. Little did I know that ~She had hinted that the usual visits is beyond the normal friendship. All along ~She is observing me and had strong feelings that I can connect with girls.
After our training I still have a few days to render, So I took the chance to try connecting with them. After all, With all the best and lasting memories that I have with the company I want to make sure that my last class will also have its nice or should I say peaceful exit before saying goodbye. I have ‘stupid me’ written all over myself for realizing it, but as the saying goes It is better to be late than never.
I joined them during their huddle, but that huddle turn into an outside work Q&A between me and the class. Now I am not the type who would just give my personal details but I just go with the flow since again, I am trying to patch things up with these folks.
Out of nowhere ~She asked me if I am a lesbian? At first I was quite shocked because normally no one has the courage to ask me such ambush question. Not from someone you just talked to, But who am I to deny and answered “Yes, I also date girls”
Let’s press the rewind, shall we?
I used to think that I’ve been very open with relationship. Growing up I used to have the same amount of appreciation and admiration = crush to both boys and girls.
Is this a case of Identity crisis? No. I just simply know that I can also appreciate girls same with boys.
Was I afraid to come out? No. Our family has a fair share of third sex. My aunt from Papa’s side is a lesbian. I have 3 cousins who are gay and I never have even a grain of memory that their sexual preference became an issue in the family.
When did I realize that I can kiss a girl? I’ve always appreciated girls, especially those who has a knack for fashion, share the same weirdness of music like me
from a heavy metal – pop – EDM, or simply has this bad girl angst without trying too hard. But I’ve never been in a relationship with a girl before. I had girls who would visit me in our house and bring foods and it’s totally okay with my parents and siblings and since we are acting as if we are committed in some sort, something will happen then confess that I don’t want to be girlfriends but friends only. I am unintentionally acting like a girl lover but my psyche pulls me back and say to myself that “Yo, you ain’t ready for this sh*t”
I only realized that I am ready to kiss a girl *passionately* when ~She arrived.
Going back to that huddle, on that same day the class and I had a team breakfast in Mc Donald’s and after that ambush talk with her this sudden connection definitely sparks and she totally agreed with that. While everyone is having a good laugh and the class is trying to inject this comment that they never thought or expect that they’ll get the chance to talk me during shift. Ha-Ha! I told you I am the worst.It was suddenly brought up that ~She has a partner and is also dating girls.
I am not sure if the way I response is one way to add hype to a good morning bond with the class or I am subconsciously serious when I told her to break up with her partner. As you’ve guessed it, the whole team can’t help but tease the two of us.It was a fun breakfast. My last day has arrived and I made sure that my appreciation with my first job and the people I’ve worked with for 5 years will somehow be felt with my post. And as you may have guessed it again it is a long one. Ha-ha!
By that time, I am still looking for the right job and company and the next thing I
we know, We’ve been sending texts and FB messages to one another from AM to PM.
I felt weird because I found myself smiling every time we are talking. Daily text messages soon became calling each other from time to time. I once thought that I’ll never prioritize love and will just focus on outgrowing myself while making money and I’ll never have the courage to be IN AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP with a woman. But all these were instantly washed out as soon as I am being remembered that ~She is the one who is making me feel the way I am feeling now. Happy, Inspired and highly excited with just the thought of her.
I have no other choice but admit to myself. ~She got me. I am in love.
Little did I know that same goes for her. Now before all these
that includes the non stop communication We made sure that we are not hurting anyone. She broke up with her partner days after that breakfast and not because I teased her about it, But then she told me that on that day she already knew that she wanted to pursue her feelings towards me.
The next thing we know. Daily texting was replaced with calls almost every night and what we thought of playing girlfriends will be too cute for a prank to someone who is hitting on her, I got drunk and that is when our supposedly “Facebook relationship status” tease is going to be one of the best decisions and act that I made while intoxicated Ha-Ha! On that night and for a number of Red horse bottles that I had, I am ever so grateful.
Now we made sure that we get to talk about that status and if we are ready to take things seriously and on a different level not as Trainer – Trainee being friends and civil but being girlfriends. Don’t worry, we are both sober during these talk. Imagine the two of us starting as complete strangers talking on actually being on a relationship. All these were discussed if not over the phone thru Facebook
Everything happened in a fast track without us being able to see each other in person.
I’ll never forget our first official date. The very first day of us seeing each other after that breakfast, after that drunk calling, after all the late night phone calls and everyday sweetness. It was dead awkward for real. I seriously thought that after that Friday night date / sleep over we have nothing in common and worse is there is no connections at all, and it’s not by all means going to work.
It was a Sunday and on our way home we talked about how it all went during that night and how awkward it was for the two of us. We were almost discussing to stop whatever it is that we have almost started. But I guess if two people really like each other? All the hiding and being cynical – indenial will just go into waste and the truth will always prevail. The truth is we like, wait. We love each other already. Love may be a deep word onset but I guess no other words can describe what we really feel. At least for me. I may just be scared to admit it at first but then again she got me.
We brush off the drama in an instant and started to discuss how we wanted our relationship to and will be. The next thing we know is that we no longer wanted that status to be for a show but what we wanted is a real thing.
The realest it can be that we both know can make us happy.
That is the time I’ve finally realized that I want to be in a relationship with her. I am ready to kiss for real and say I love you withouy any alcohol in my system. I’ve learned that my subconscious heart taught my mind and soul that it’s not a bad thing to try especially to someone who spread the sunshine after my storm.
She became mine.
And the rest is (how they call it) history.
Today marks our first year from that moment we came out of our true feelings for one another. 1 year after we decided to be strong and give chance to what we feel rather than all the possible reasons for this new relationship to somehow fail. Funny, how we proved our a-hole old self, wrong.
1 year. Geez. A lot to be thankful about and this time I want to make sure that I’ll have it all listed because that’s how happy and grateful I am. She used to be a stranger who now occupies my mind, my heart and my life.
This time I am no longer afraid of all the possible things that can go wrong because she made me feel that there is nothing to be afraid of. She have proven herself to me that what we have is real without even trying.
My loyalty is her name and same goes for what she breathes.
It was one of the best feelings in the world when you get to call your partner as your best friend.
It’s been fun and I have no plans of stopping.
I guess what I really wanted to say is,
Happy Anniversary my love…..
Saying thank you will never be enough to let you know how happy I am in my current state because of you. I can promise all the wonderful things but mine is simply being certain. I am certain about you, about us. I would nevee do anything to ruin this love. We’ve put in all our efforts to make it as sincere and happy as it is right now and not even someone can ruin it. As our relationship gets a day / weeks /months older we’re set to be on our happiest, fight about even the smallest things and even thought of giving up but that’s how we can make this bond stronger. I am ready to feel everything with you my love. I know that you are too.
I am most definitely certain that ours is about to get better and stronger.
I must have love you so much tears kept falling while I’m typing all these words and seeing how far we’ve come.
She became mine and in that moment I started to believe in love again.